Making for a record of 3 posts tonight, I decided to go ahead and post about the talk my boyfriend and I had the other night. Now, I?m not gonna go over every detail. That would take? well, it?d take too long.
So, Jake goes through my texts and facebook every now and then. He?s done it since a few months after we started dating. It doesn?t entirely bother me because I don?t want to hide things, really. The thing is, though? I do hide stuff. I mean, I don?t do it on purpose, and now that I realize what I?ve been doing, I can stop it.
You see, I?ve got a very open heart. It comes from never having been in a truly?committed relationship. That?s to be expected. I?m only 20 years old and I never believed in the idea of commitment as a teenager. As in, I never thought teenagers were responsible enough to understand what commitment was. And especially with my poly relationship with Fawn, commitment just was?t a question. I was too young and I wanted to enjoy that. However, I hadn?t realized it was gonna give me trouble ?once I finally found a relationship I actually?wanted to be committed to.
When I got into a relationship with Jake, I was still getting over the fact that my mom gave my cats away as well as trying to get over the loss of a close friend. I mean loss as in, he became an ass and just decided to not be around anymore. It was someone I?d been incredibly close to and loved greatly. Thinking back, immediately getting into a relationship with Jake wasn?t the best idea, but something about him made me want to see more of him. However, even though I was coming to adore Jake, I was still in the grieving stage of having lost my close friend. What made that a bit of a damper for Jake was that the friend was a guy and I?d had feelings for him. It took me a few months into the relationship with Jake before I fully got over it, and even then, I still hold the friend close in my heart. It?s not something that Jake is okay with, and I understand. I wish I could make him feel better about it, but I can?t lie and say that that?s not how it is with all the people I care about. Whether they?re just a friend or someone I?d fallen for romantically, they will always have a place in my heart, and sometimes that?s not willingly. I wish I could say otherwise, but I can?t and it?s not fair to Jake or myself if I try to push those people out of my heart when I know they can?t be pushed out.
Aside from that, about 5 months ago, I started working with Jake at one of the local Walmarts. Well, I came across a guy that worked there and I was just? instantly drawn in by him. I ignored it as much as I could at first, but the feeling got worse every time I saw the guy. He kinda looked like me. Like a pure blooded Native American, but probably just a mix like me. It?s a hard feeling to describe. It?s like? looking down into a vortex and feeling like your face and head are getting sucked in first. I felt? so strongly connected to this person whose name I hadn?t even known. I?d never even spoken to him.
Now, this wasn?t something I had any control over. If I did, it wouldn?t have happened. My first mistake was not immediately giving Jake a detailed description. There?s no excuse for it, but I honestly didn?t understand what was happening. As the days went by, the feeling became more and more intense every time I saw the guy. I mean? I still don?t understand it and it?s not as if I saw the guy and it was a physical attraction. I felt the connection first before I really realized what he even looked like. It?s the first time that?s happened to me with such intensity, but it?has happened before.
So, while I should have told Jake immediately, I didn?t. I hadn?t know what was going on and I?d been discussing it with my friend Cat through texting and stuff. Jake read the texts and I?d never know. At some point, I had tried to talk to Jake about it, but it wasn?t anywhere near the depth to which I spoke to Cat about it. To be honest, I just felt silly. A lot of the spiritual stuff is really hard to talk to Jake about.?Really hard. I know he thinks it?s silly and he doesn?t want to tell me cause he doesn?t want to hurt my feelings. But he respects me enough to at least not think I?m entirely crazy. However, I have noticed that he patronizes me a lot about things and I feel like that comes from him maybe feeling like I?m just living entirely in some crazy fantasy world that?s just not real to him. I understand that, but I?m not crazy. When I ask him about what he thinks about all that spiritual stuff, he just tells me he doesn?t understand it really. Which is fine. I?m glad he doesn?t just poke fun at me for it.
Anyways, the point is here, I never really gave Jake the whole story. I should have, I honestly just felt too stupid to do it. Jake found out on his own and it?s really been hurting him. He?s help on to it for the past 5 months without telling me or asking me about it. In that time, I did find the dude on facebook and spoke to him a bit, again, something Jake found out about. That one I did tell him, but I hadn?t quite told him what we?d spoken about. Well, Jake did read the messages between the guy and I, as far as I know. The guy had been trying pretty hard to get me to? I dunno. He tried to hint around at going out sometime, which I blatantly ignored, and he asked if he could call, which I?d refused to. He had admitted to feeling that same connection, but? I don?t know. I was with Jake. I didn?t want to do anything that would jeopardize my relationship with him. That might seem like it was an after thought, but I swear, my intentions were just to try and figure out why the hell I was feeling that connection, but that damn guy didn?t seem interested in just being friends so our talking didn?t continue. I haven?t heard from him since the beginning of July and I have no intentions of bothering to message him again.
I?d originally thought the connection?had to mean something. I had all these feelings that weren?t quite correct and I got a little carried away in attempting to understand that feeling of connection. I should have talked to Jake. I should have told him everything I was feeling. I just didn?t know what to say. It?s easier to talk to Cat because she just gets what I mean when it comes to that spiritual stuff. Jake isn?t spiritual so it?s so much harder to explain stuff like that to him. However, it was something I should have tried tot ell him about. I shouldn?t have let him find out how he did, granted I hadn?t?let him find out, he was snooping but I don?t really blame him for that.
Now I feel like the reason feeling that connection was even possible was because I hadn?t fully committed myself to my relationship with Jake. I?thought I had but it was the only form of commitment I?d been used to giving and I hadn?t fully realized that there was anything fucked up about it yet. It really sucks because I?m just realizing I have all these issues that I never knew were even there. It?s even harder because I feel like Jake thinks I?m just being some kind of hypochondriac with it all. The thing is, I never thought I?had issues. I grew up feeling like I had some kind of immunity to such petty things like commitment issues and growing up with a narcissistic mother. I never thought I?d be capable of having trouble controlling my emotions. It?s taking a?lot?to overcome that feeling of invincibility and accept the fact that I?m just as fucked up as everyone else. I don?t know if Jake really understands that. I think he just feels like I spend too much time thinking about it. I don?t really, but I will get a little fixated every once and a while.
Anyways, after the talk with Jake, I feel so much closer to him and actually committed in the?healthy and normal?instead of the weird and fucked up way I?d been so used to and hadn?t known was wrong. It?s why I feel so happy. It?s kind of incredible. I love Jake. He?s the best guy I?ve been with, the best relationship. I?ve never had someone so? stable. You can?t imagine the fucked up, we?re relationships I?ve been in. You can?t imagine how I?ve been used and mistreated in entirely emotional and mental ways. It?s entirely my fault. I let it happen, but it?s screwed me up. Jake is the only guy I?ve ever met that?s just? normal. He cares about me, he doesn?t think about the ways he can manipulate me. He loves me. That?s why he?s stayed. He?s willing to work with me and even if he may not understand my problems, he?ll stand with me as I overcome them. I?ve underestimated him and I?m scared to death that I?ve damaged him like I?ve been damaged myself, ?but? I dunno. I just hope he understands how amazing he is to me. How much I really do love him. It?s scary. I don?t know what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like. The only thing I can do is try to communicate things with him as much as possible. So far, it?s helped us get through the stuff we talked about the other night. I have confidence that we can get through anything else together too.
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Source: http://raynesmyst.wordpress.com/2012/08/30/issues-with-commitment/
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